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Connect with son’s girlfriend in making their new living arrangement work

Q: My son, 33, is in the process of purchasing a house and he’s going along with his girlfriend’s choice. The house isn’t on a bus route, and I fear he may become very isolated due to his diabetes and the related seizures he has had since age 15. He’s unable to drive. While living with me, I’ve driven him to and from work.

His girlfriend thinks I’ll continue this, but I’ve said no, it’s too far away and I also work.

She’s 30, still living at her mother’s, and desperate to move out. She calls him constantly and they have enormous fights over what she perceives as slights.

He’s no longer permitted to talk to longtime female friends and she’s stopped him from seeing some of his male friends. She appears jealous, manipulative, selfish and very insecure.

She doesn’t want anything to do with me though I’ve not done anything to her. I’ve invited her to dinner but she’s always too busy. What can I do?


A: Join her. Don’t fight her or she’ll isolate him from you, too. She’s clearly a controller, and for now this may even make him feel safe with her. You want to stay connected, because one day he may wake up and want to get out from under her thumb.

Do not oppose her choice; just show concern for how they’ll both manage. Ask how he’s going to continue to get to work and whether she’ll drive him herself. Be helpful, not critical.

Offer to go with her to look for houses with similar niceties that are accessible to transportation. Stress that the final choice has to be theirs.

Then back off, Mom, so he can deal with her himself.

Q: I’m a mid-20s bisexual man in the “confused” stages of my sexuality. I’ve been seeing a much older man, in his mid-40s. He used to commute to my city every week. We’d hook up once every few months since we worked for the same company.

Recently, he’s moved here. I have feelings for him but know that he’s seeing someone else who’s older than me.

It hurts me to hear that his friend has stayed the night, or they’re going on a date.

I’ve even had thoughts of vandalism, since I have no one to vent to. I’m still closet-locked, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

Our frequency is rare, we chat online and text, but I feel like he regards me as a booty call whenever I go over, and then feel bitter and used once it’s all done.


A: Forget vandalism or any other vengeful thoughts. They could ruin your life.

Though hard to accept, you’ve both used each other and enjoyed it. The relationship protected your chosen anonymity and provided him with a young sex partner.

It’s over, and time to gain confidence in who you are and how you’ll live and have future relationships.

Contact PFLAG — Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays — at pflag.org. It helps people struggling with issues of sexual orientation and gender identity.

Feedback: To the writer whose late mom left her wedding rings to her now-deceased sister (July 12), a reader writes:

The writer apparently wants her mom‘s wedding ring to give to her daughter who is getting married soon. If the ring isn’t passed on to her when she asks, she could ask to have the ring appraised by a jeweller and buy it from her brother-in-law at market value or at a negotiated price.


In-laws, who challenge their adult child’s mate, often lose out.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca. See ellieadvice.com. Follow@ellieadvice.

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