A: You may convince yourself, but if your fiancé finds out — and it’s likely he will — you’ll never convince him this isn’t cheating. You’re in a committed relationship, which sometimes requires short-term sacrifice.
He recently asked me to move in with him. However, the other day I made reference to “when we get married” and he stopped short, saying he wasn’t getting married, ever.
We’ve talked about marriage several times in recent months, and had agreed it wouldn’t happen until we were both finished our degrees. He even got emotional when I said I’d be honoured to take his last name!
He now “doesn’t remember those conversations” and “doesn’t believe in marriage.” I’m not willing to budge, so what do I do?
Upset and Confused
A: There’s only one move to make, and that’s out the door. Or, if you haven’t moved in yet, it’s to call for a break.
Be completely clear: that you want five-years of developing a strong relationship to mean you two are a couple expecting to get married. If he’s changed his mind, he needs to say so. He also needs to know that you’ll be going your separate ways, long enough for you both to think things through.
Also, if the other set of parents think that only the bride’s family should pay for it, what’s the best way to let them know that we disagree and would like to split it thus: one-third from us, one-third from them and one-third from the bride and groom?
A: There’s no “on average” any more regarding financial attitudes toward weddings. In some communities, especially if the couple is of the same background, it’s quite common for both sets of parents to contribute equally.
In other communities, it’s still expected that the bride’s parents pay the lion’s share.
But if the couple work and earn decently, they often pay for part of the wedding themselves. This is especially so if they’re planning a large event, and know that even sharing costs comes to a lot for everyone.
Your preference is logical and fair, but you already know it won’t be accepted. So instead of making what might seem like an aggressive move, decide what you can comfortably afford, tell the children without comment on what others should do, and let them figure out what kind of wedding they’ll have.
TIP OF THE DAY
There aren’t any “no-fault” excuses for infidelity if both parties don’t agree.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.