Politician used charm and subterfuge to reel in woman
Q: I reconnected with an ex of 25 years ago. I’m in my early 50s, divorced and have lived alone for 20 years. I have no children and am a working professional.
He said he’s been separated from his wife for seven years — now it’s 10.
He’s a well- known politician, mid-60s, no children. I said I wouldn’t go out with him if he’s a married man and that I didn’t want a secretive relationship.
After two years’ dating, he said the person he’s living with is his common-law partner but they haven’t shared a bed for seven years.
He said it’s no love relationship, just daily routine and friendship. I believed and trusted him.
We travelled together, and I attended political functions with him. We love each other and have perfect sexual chemistry. After 18 months, he proposed, saying everything will work out soon.
However, I got suspicious because he went home every night and we only travelled when his partner wasn’t in town. Also, he brings her to special occasions with his family.
He ignored me during those days. I felt left out, betrayed, humiliated. He shares his credit card and bank account with her. When we travelled, we used my credit card. He said he’d pay me back, but didn’t.
Her moving out of his house was postponed. There were excuses — her mother died, there was an election, etc.
I’ve concluded that he’s playing me, taking advantage, abusing me emotionally. He’ll just keep lying. I no longer trust him. My family and I feel deceived. I now think he is not a decent man but a pathological and situational liar. What should I do? Betrayed by Lies
A: Run. If possible, take a self-indulgent break to a spa or an adventure trip. Focus on taking care of you. Expand your own horizons by doing something compelling rather than being exploited for his needs.
He’s the worst kind of public figure, a man who gets away with bad behaviour by using charm and subterfuge. He uses people because he can.
It won’t be easy to give up on the romantic dream you’ve formed, with his deceptive encouragement, nor on the sexual connection. Keep reminding yourself that the longer you stayed with a lying, emotionally abusive rat (probably a cheater too, with his bed partner) the harder it will be on your self-esteem.
Getting out now, with no further contact, is your much-needed act of self-affirmation.
Q: I met this much younger woman online a few weeks ago and I have feelings for her. I think she has the same feelings, or so she says.
However, she lives in the U.S. and I live in Canada. We talk every evening on the net and it’s very serious between us. I fell in love with her. Is this OK?
She’s half my age. Is this also OK to be attracted to her like I am? None of my family knows about her yet. I don’t really want to tell them.
A: If you thought this was all OK, you wouldn’t write me. And you’d tell your family.
You’re infatuated with the idea of love. It’s not love unless sustained when you meet in person. I also suspect she’s very young, which could mean it’s illegal for you to have a relationship if she’s underage. You need to see her and know it’s her, when online. It could also be anyone playing you.
Ultimately, you’d have to visit her, but first be certain of her age and maturity to handle a real in-person relationship.
TIP OF THE DAY
When repeated lies and deceptions become apparent, run!
Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.
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