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• Will.i.am’s song “Reach for the Stars” debuts through speakers installed on the Mars rover Curiosity The Martians are “meh” and “whatever” and go right back to looking forward to the next Fergie single.
• Last time on Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kris Jenner didn’t want family therapy, saying, “I don’t really want to talk to a stranger about my family problems” She went on, “selling my children to strangers for money? Sure. But you have to draw the line somewhere.”
• Katy Perry turns down $ 20 million from American Idol Just so we’re clear: Katy can turn down $ 20 million, but she can’t turn down John Mayer. So, to sum up: $ 20 million? Nah. John Mayer’s sweaty hands: Oh, yes.
• A study confirms smoking weed while a teen tends to make you permanently stupid That explains why I can’t ever remember to buy enough vodka . . . [yeah, OK. Ha. Ha. Could that line be any more obvious? I’ve heard funnier lines at ... at ... the ... line please ... Never mind. -ed.]
• Contrary to what Shia LaBeouf has been saying while praising method acting, there will be no real sex-having for the stars in Lars von Trier’s new movie Nymphomaniac But don’t worry, Shia, someday if you’re really lucky you’ll get to play a bath-salts-addicted collector of venomous spiders undergoing a sex change while working at the swine-sewage disposal plant.
• When pulled over for driving erratically, Scott Wilson, who plays Hershel on The Walking Dead, offers to show the officer some “yoga moves” in lieu of a field sobriety test “You can do that?” asks Lindsay Lohan. “That’s Awesome. I already know The Downward Spiral.”
• Jon Turteltaub is developing a film called Beached, which is about a toddler who falls off a boat, is raised by whales and becomes a champion swimmer So that would be sorta like The Junglebook meets Ryan Lochte meets Shia Labeouf Starts Receiving Blubber Injections.
• Jon Voight rants again about conspiracies and how the government controls all media It’s an interesting thought but, seeing as no one seems capable of controlling even Jon Voight, it’s probably not realistic.
• Celebrity math Question: If the world’s oldest woman turns 116 and Stellan Skarsgaard becomes a father for the eighth time, how did Lindsay Lohan rack up $ 47,350.04 in unpaid hotel bills?Answer: McGill University makes an 11,197-pound fruit salad and breaks the world record for fruit salads, which makes every other question and concern pale in comparison.