Q: My wife of seven years is adorable, fun and cute (though I wish she’d lose some weight). Yet she’s a complete monster when she’s drunk. She becomes self-centred, pushy, pouty, demanding, easily upset. I drink, but if I get drunk (rare) I tend to keep myself quiet.
She literally drinks until she’s incapable of speech and falls asleep on the couch, waking up only to take another drink she can’t handle.
I tell her how her drinking affects us, and she says she’ll try to do better, but doesn’t. She’ll go weeks without having a drink. But if it’s a social function, she’ll get hammered and not even know it.
I urge you to drop that topic completely. If there’s any hope that she can break her alcoholic habit, she needs every support from you possible. Even casual weight references may be making her more self-conscious and insecure socially, contributing to her drinking till she drops.
This isn’t only happening when she’s out. It’s happening every time she’s out.
She must get into an addiction prevention program. There are groups and therapists who deal with this, but I recommend trying Alcoholics’ Anonymous because of the support group for her, and for you (Alanon).
Recently I discovered that she’s still his friend on both social media accounts. When I tried to discuss this, he always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t talk — an essay due, studying for an exam or he’s out with friends.
When we did talk, he said he couldn’t believe I’m doing this to him when he had an exam in a few days. The next day I learned he was at social events that same day.
I can’t say this more clearly — he’s not worth your hurt feelings. He doesn’t play fair in the serious-dating game. I get that he’s a student and that school’s a priority, and that you’re both still young. Still, he owed you honesty and the respect to talk about what’s bothering you when it’s something he caused.
Move on. You have plenty of time to find someone better.
TIP OF THE DAY
To end a drink-till-drunk habit, partners must recognize it as an addiction and get help/support.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.